Stuff is just stuff, right? That's what I tried to tell myself all weekend as my sister and I sorted through my mom's things. But even throwing away her toothbrush was hard. When all her things are gone does that mean all proof that she was here is gone? Does it make her more gone? The truth is it doesn't change anything but the weight of it feels enormous like I miss her a million times more. We found cards she picked out for birthdays and holidays that she wasn't able to give, tear. Her wedding dress, tear. I tried on my Grandma's old wool coat and found her cross and a prayer in the pocket, tear. And then there were things that were just too special to get rid of, tear, tear. Despite the ups and downs we were successful and even had some laughs when we found a few things straight from the 80's. It was nice to be able to have family and friends come over so they could pick something out of hers to remember her by which felt good.
There were times when my mother would drive me crazy but I would do anything to be able to have her here to drive me crazy. If I could do it all over would I change anything? Yes, but I know she knows how much I love her and I know she loves me so it will be OK. A friend told me if all you can do right now is breathe that is OK, so that's what I'll do, keep breathing.
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