The No Good Very Bad Day
I have been overwhelmed with love & support. I fear I am far less than worthy. My Spidey-friend (who, I swear, DOES actually possess Superpowers) says that this is because I am "inspirational"- and swears that this is nothing new. She insists that I was inspirational years ago as I toted Lily's car seat with Kyle in the "pack," while holding Jack's hand- back when I was "that mom with all the kids" (...at Catholic school...and there were only 3 kids then!). "And you were always smiling!" she says (a lot of people have said that actually!). But how do you NOT smile when you see your friends? When you watch little kids being carted to school, hands held, noses wiped, tempers averted? It's awesome. It always makes me smile! But I don't feel "inspirational!" I feel pathetic. . . especially these past couple of days.
The hair thing is making me crazy. My sources say "Cheerleaders" loose all their hair, usually sometime in the 3rd week of chemo treatment. Whispys at first, then a tingling/burning sensation & out come clumps- couple days max. MY stupid cancer gets a stupid chemo cocktail that may or may not take all my hair. It may "just" thin (so I can wear a hat to cover the bald spots! Yay!). So for days now it's been coming out in whispy handfuls CONSTANTLY!! I'm leaving hair all over Spokane like a shedding dog. So gross. So embarrassing.
But worse than that, it's another "maybe" that's completely out of control. Maybe chemo will work. Maybe your cancer will shrink. Maybe we can do surgery. Maybe you can eat that with out making your tummy upset. Maybe you will have diarrhea for the rest of your life. Maybe you'll be there to walk Maya to her first day of preschool. Maybe your hair will stop falling out...eventually. Stupid.
The constant shedding is just a reminder that this whole thing is stupid. I hate my stupid, lame, diarrhea-causing, slowly balding, poop talking, lame old person incurable cancer.
And now it's dumping snow & freezing rain, in March. And that's stupid too. I am not inspirational. I am scared. I am scared of all the maybes. I hate the freaking snow. I just want it all to be over & take my Duallie back on my trail and walk in the sunshine & go to the park not worry about chemo or my tummy or my hair. I just really don't feel like having cancer anymore. Pansy.
So what do I do when I feel blue? Put on my Wedding Dress! (It's a life lesson learned from "Friends"). There are few of life's problems that don't feel smaller when you put on THE big white dress you wore at 23 & pick up your (4th!...this time! The system is tried & true!) baby.
The hair thing is making me crazy. My sources say "Cheerleaders" loose all their hair, usually sometime in the 3rd week of chemo treatment. Whispys at first, then a tingling/burning sensation & out come clumps- couple days max. MY stupid cancer gets a stupid chemo cocktail that may or may not take all my hair. It may "just" thin (so I can wear a hat to cover the bald spots! Yay!). So for days now it's been coming out in whispy handfuls CONSTANTLY!! I'm leaving hair all over Spokane like a shedding dog. So gross. So embarrassing.
But worse than that, it's another "maybe" that's completely out of control. Maybe chemo will work. Maybe your cancer will shrink. Maybe we can do surgery. Maybe you can eat that with out making your tummy upset. Maybe you will have diarrhea for the rest of your life. Maybe you'll be there to walk Maya to her first day of preschool. Maybe your hair will stop falling out...eventually. Stupid.
The constant shedding is just a reminder that this whole thing is stupid. I hate my stupid, lame, diarrhea-causing, slowly balding, poop talking, lame old person incurable cancer.
And now it's dumping snow & freezing rain, in March. And that's stupid too. I am not inspirational. I am scared. I am scared of all the maybes. I hate the freaking snow. I just want it all to be over & take my Duallie back on my trail and walk in the sunshine & go to the park not worry about chemo or my tummy or my hair. I just really don't feel like having cancer anymore. Pansy.
So what do I do when I feel blue? Put on my Wedding Dress! (It's a life lesson learned from "Friends"). There are few of life's problems that don't feel smaller when you put on THE big white dress you wore at 23 & pick up your (4th!...this time! The system is tried & true!) baby.
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