Couldn't of said it better

Someone needs to create a word that describes what happens inside of a mama’s heart as she’s watching her child walk into a school building. We need a word for the feeling that overtakes her after saying goodbye to her infant who is somehow masquerading as a young ADULT and who is walking away from her into their adolescent life. A word to describe the phenomena that is a mother sitting helplessly in her empty van while her heart silent screams her daily PLEASE PLEASE PLEASES!!! PLEASE be good to her. Please see her strengths and overlook her weaknesses. Please sit by her at lunch. Please smile back when she smiles. Please want to be her partner. Please be gentle. Pleasepleaseplease. PLEASE.

And how as she watches her daughter walk away—toward the unknown of her day and away from the KNOWN of her (SO BRAVE! HOW DID SHE GET SO BRAVE??? IS THIS LEVEL OF INSANE BRAVENESS EVEN WISE????) her head understands that the world is unfolding as it should. Her head KNOWS that all is well. That she is beginning her LIFE and that LIFE in all its bruty is what she came here for. And that she is ready. But her heart will not receive that memo. Her heart wants to run after her and pull her close and say: JUST JOKING HONEY! WE MADE A MISTAKE! THIS IS TOO MUCH! Come home and we will stay together forever and I will make sure that life NEVER HAPPENS TO YOU. Don’t worry. We will snuggle forever. Because I am not ready.

So she just sits in her empty van for a moment—holding up the car line for a split second too long. Her body is temporarily paralyzed, short circuited by the opposing messages from her head and her heart. The mixed messages SWARM her being and all at once she feels pride and fear and terror and excitement and hope and hopelessness and tenderness and ferocity and loss and gain. All these emotions swirl until her heart becomes so swollen that it threatens to escape out of her throat into tears and so she instructs herself to snap out of it. She shakes herself a bit. She breathes deeply and shrugs it all off and she drives away. And on her way home she tries to restore her heart to its original size by thinking of other things. Practical things. Because it’s all too much. Whatever that feeling is—it’s a lot like looking right at the sun. It’s simply too bright to stand for longer than a moment.

Glennon (Momastery)