Payback?

Our first born Abigail is such a blessing in ours lives, and such a pill. She wakes up in the morning and says "Good morning momma, I love you, can I give you a hug?" -she so melts my heart with love and warmth. Then about 10 seconds later screams at me that I did not put enough milk in her cup, throws it on the ground and it spills and sprays everywhere -seriously child, what is wrong with you? My daily life is filled with so much love for these little nuggets I can't stand it, immediately followed by so much frustration I can barely stand it, feeling a little bad about myself that I might not be handling the difficult situations the best possible way, to I'm too tired to think anymore -good night. It is mentally draining life!!!! Somehow writing about it helps recharge my batteries and possibly helps keep me sane. Motherhood calls for large amounts of mental stamina, I guess the most important jobs are often the hardest and the most rewarding.

At times I wonder if I was given a difficult child as payback, possibly, I wasn't always the best child. Or it is to teach me something? I hope it teaches me how to be a better person but most of the time I feel like I'm too busy beating myself up about something to learn. What I do know is that I need to listen more and not feel guilty for doing the best I can. I was an overly sensitive and emotional child, I couldn't even watch ET without sobbing, and this made life difficult for me and my parents at times growing up. But it turns out that something I hated about myself when I was young brings me compassion, love, and happiness as a grown up (and maybe the ability to write about my feelings?). I can only hope for the same for Abi.

The pain of losing my Mom and Grandma and Aunt all in the past 3 years is with me every minute of everyday. I think it has become permanently ingrained into my being. It is a part of me now. The more I remember and think about them the better I feel. I remember my Grandma holding Abi as a newborn, The Belly Button book my Aunt gave Abi for her first b-day, and my mom moving in with us for a month to help me after Ben was born. All the strong women I grew up with are gone and it feels like my family is no more. No more big family partys at my Mom's on Christmas Eve. Mom's are the glue that hold everything together. Now I know why people have big families because it is so nice to always be surrounded by people you love that love you.