Life is brutiful

I waited until everyone was in bed on Mother's Day to watch videos of my mom with the kids. A video of Abi kissing her open heart surgery scar to make it better, videos from Christmas, videos from before the stroke (which are my favorite). I didn't realize how much it would hurt to watch them, it was like reliving the heartache all over again. The day of the funeral, first day back at work, and Mother's Day with the family weren't so bad because I was expecting it to hurt and was prepared for the worse. It's the days I don't see it coming like the days following Mother's Day that took me by surprise with grief. Waking up that Monday morning with bags under my eyes to big to cover up but everyone politely ignored. My mom was the person I called for everything and she was always there, now there's just nothingness. There is nothing that can ever replace her role in my life. Your mom is your world when you are little, then you grow up but she is still the safety net to catch you when you fall. The only thing I find comfort in is talking to her up in heaven, "Mom, I had an steamed artichoke for dinner, hope you can have one up there", "Abi and Ben are getting so big, Ben is talking up a storm, and we miss you so much", "You are missing out on a lot of beautiful May weather down here, hope you are sitting in the sun up there." I miss her support, anything I needed and she was there to help. I miss her openness, devotion, and love. I am thankful I come from a family where we speak honestly and love deeply, and are a little crazy-but we'd be too boring otherwise. Glennon from Momastery is right, life is brutiful. Mom's die, babies get sick and die, but somehow life is still good and sometimes beautiful.