Random stuff to relieve the pressure in my brain

I am a thinker, more like a speed racer thinker, my brain is always on the run. At times I can see it as a good quality, I can think of ways around a problem and come up with solutions. I can out smart my kids to get them to do what I want-sometimes. But sometimes it's tiring never being able to shut this thing off. It keeps me up at night and doesn't let me relax. I might know what recovering addicts mean when they say the hardest part of recovery is never being able to shut the brain up. Never being able to indulge to the point where the brain can take a break. I do wish sometimes I could just rest and not think of everything all at once. Not feel so much, hurt so much, love so much, think so much. It's exhausting. I think I'm like my mom in that way, she always over thought and over felt everything.

One time when I was still a child and our family was leaving a restaurant after dinner it winter and very chilly outside and an old guy asked me if I could help him zip his coat. I froze, I was scared, I didn't say or do anything. My mom came out behind me and he asked her for help. She helped him and he went on his way on his scooter/wheelchair, he was disabled. I remember my mom crying on the way home in the car because she was worried the old man didn't have anyone to help him take his coat off when he got home. At the time I thought she was crazy but now I understand. Life is hard, brutiful to be exact, and it's an extra dose harder for us overly sensitive people.

I know my mom's life wasn't easy. She had told me before "there are things I will never tell". These things I know now. I think that's why she laughed a little too loud, drank a little too much, and had a little too much fun. When you hurt you have to take every happiness opportunity and enjoy every second. Life, just like parenting, for the most part just passes us by. It is impossible to be happy and appreciate every moment. So you have to try and capture the beautiful moments. There are miracles everywhere you just have to make sure you feel them. I do believe that is the essence of my mom, wanting so badly to live in those happy moments. It gives me a sense of peace knowing she doesn't have to hurt anymore, that she can rest. And someday when it's my time to go it's comforting knowing she'll be waiting for me on the flip side. I hope I get to see her again someday, and I hope it's nice and quiet wherever that is-but my kids will need me until I'm very old so my brain will just have to keep trucking, and loving, and feeling, and thinking-enough for everyone and then some.