Six months ago today my forehead was touching your forehead and I looked up at the heart monitor and we knew you were gone. We held your hand until the warmth was gone. Walking out of that hospital room and facing the rest of my life without my mom was the hardest thing I have done.
I still feel like a kid, who is going to kiss my knee when I fall down and scrape it? Ben will race in from outside and search the house for me just so I can kiss a bumped knee or pinched finger and make it all better. That's what mom's are for, they make it all better. They calm the fear, ease the pain, feed the hunger, put to sleep, love unconditionally.
I had every intention of going to grief counseling (and had plenty of support) and never did. I had every intention of honoring my mom's memory and not sure I have. Some days I still feel like a mess.
Yet, I now have the clarity to know how much my kids need me and what an important job I have as their mom. My little munchkins have brought me so much joy, and a lot of other things-not always pleasant, but they complete me. They are an extension of me that grows and changes and gets lovelier and more beautiful everyday. Perfect little beings that are completely themselves and completely mine.
Six months ago my life changed forever and life goes on, there's no choice. So I choose to try and be the best mom I can, and try not to be too hard on myself when I can't. The best thing about children is their ability to forgive and love you anyway. Maybe it's because they know just how much you love them and loving my kids is the best feeling in the world.
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