Although we are having a little party for Ben's b-day on Friday we had to give him our presents on his b-day. The big bear daddy got at Costco was a hit, and so were the trucks.

 

Sister helping open presents

 

Happy smiling boy

 

I am going to make a cake for Friday so we got a store made caramel cake for him to practice on.

 

Abi loves big bear too.

Happy 2nd b-day Benjamin!

Our baby boy is no longer a baby, but he'll always be my baby. The first 2 years flew by but I know we enjoyed every minute, except maybe the sleepless nights trying to get him to go to sleep or changing super-stinky diapers. But I know I cuddled him every chance I got and loved baby Ben to pieces. The good news is I have lot more time to cuddle him and love him to pieces as a little boy. He is such a sweetie pie, but 100% boy. He loves trucks, cars, dogs, and playing outside. He likes to get dirty, play with bugs, and run around like a little crazy. He is our class clown, he'll do anything to make us laugh, but is sweet natured like his daddy. He is finally starting to talk more and has the sweetest little voice. He loves his sister and plays with her all the time, but will stand up for himself if she's not playing nice by screaming or fighting back. In the morning when he wakes up I hear him call out from his crib "Mommy............Mommy...................Mommy!" If I ignore him too long then I hear him shout "Abiiiii........Abiiiii!" He is pretty smart, wake up sister to go wake up mommy to get me up, little stinker. We just got his food allergy testing back yesterday and he has an allergy to peanuts, and sensitivities to oranges (citrus fruits), sugar cane, and wheat. Poor baby, no wonder he has had diarrhea his whole life. With this information we are hoping to get his digestive tract working like normal soon. We can't wait to see what the next year holds watching him grow and learn new things. He melts our hearts and is the perfect compliment for his sassy sister.

  Flashback- 1st b-day  

2nd b-day

 

Hike to the snow caves







Just call me Martha-not! Started some fall decorating, total cost $0 dollars just reusing and making things out of stuff I already have.

I was wanting to make some kind of burlap wreath, turned out cute.

6 months ago...

Six months ago today my forehead was touching your forehead and I looked up at the heart monitor and we knew you were gone. We held your hand until the warmth was gone. Walking out of that hospital room and facing the rest of my life without my mom was the hardest thing I have done.

I still feel like a kid, who is going to kiss my knee when I fall down and scrape it? Ben will race in from outside and search the house for me just so I can kiss a bumped knee or pinched finger and make it all better. That's what mom's are for, they make it all better. They calm the fear, ease the pain, feed the hunger, put to sleep, love unconditionally.

I had every intention of going to grief counseling (and had plenty of support) and never did. I had every intention of honoring my mom's memory and not sure I have. Some days I still feel like a mess.

Yet, I now have the clarity to know how much my kids need me and what an important job I have as their mom. My little munchkins have brought me so much joy, and a lot of other things-not always pleasant, but they complete me. They are an extension of me that grows and changes and gets lovelier and more beautiful everyday. Perfect little beings that are completely themselves and completely mine.

Six months ago my life changed forever and life goes on, there's no choice. So I choose to try and be the best mom I can, and try not to be too hard on myself when I can't. The best thing about children is their ability to forgive and love you anyway. Maybe it's because they know just how much you love them and loving my kids is the best feeling in the world.

Oh my cuteness..........

If only they acted as cute as they look because they are darn cute. We are all a little tried and cranky today but still managed to get some cute pictures (minus the giant bruise on Ben's head). Popsicle bribery gets you everywhere.

 

Preschool update-Abi is doing great, no tears at drop off and she's actually excited to go. She likes her teacher and has already made new friends. Yay!!!!!

 

Abigail (4)

 

Benjamin (2-almost) 

 

 

Random stuff to relieve the pressure in my brain

I am a thinker, more like a speed racer thinker, my brain is always on the run. At times I can see it as a good quality, I can think of ways around a problem and come up with solutions. I can out smart my kids to get them to do what I want-sometimes. But sometimes it's tiring never being able to shut this thing off. It keeps me up at night and doesn't let me relax. I might know what recovering addicts mean when they say the hardest part of recovery is never being able to shut the brain up. Never being able to indulge to the point where the brain can take a break. I do wish sometimes I could just rest and not think of everything all at once. Not feel so much, hurt so much, love so much, think so much. It's exhausting. I think I'm like my mom in that way, she always over thought and over felt everything.

One time when I was still a child and our family was leaving a restaurant after dinner it winter and very chilly outside and an old guy asked me if I could help him zip his coat. I froze, I was scared, I didn't say or do anything. My mom came out behind me and he asked her for help. She helped him and he went on his way on his scooter/wheelchair, he was disabled. I remember my mom crying on the way home in the car because she was worried the old man didn't have anyone to help him take his coat off when he got home. At the time I thought she was crazy but now I understand. Life is hard, brutiful to be exact, and it's an extra dose harder for us overly sensitive people.

I know my mom's life wasn't easy. She had told me before "there are things I will never tell". These things I know now. I think that's why she laughed a little too loud, drank a little too much, and had a little too much fun. When you hurt you have to take every happiness opportunity and enjoy every second. Life, just like parenting, for the most part just passes us by. It is impossible to be happy and appreciate every moment. So you have to try and capture the beautiful moments. There are miracles everywhere you just have to make sure you feel them. I do believe that is the essence of my mom, wanting so badly to live in those happy moments. It gives me a sense of peace knowing she doesn't have to hurt anymore, that she can rest. And someday when it's my time to go it's comforting knowing she'll be waiting for me on the flip side. I hope I get to see her again someday, and I hope it's nice and quiet wherever that is-but my kids will need me until I'm very old so my brain will just have to keep trucking, and loving, and feeling, and thinking-enough for everyone and then some.

Costume fever

I'm already thinking about Halloween and it's months away. But here's a sneak peek of what I'll be working on. Ben will be a sock monkey, hopefully much cuter than this one.

Abi is going to be a purple princess or fairy because she already has a cute purple princess dress, and I will color purple streaks in her hair.

Sister- Evie has to be this for Halloween! To die for cute!!! You could just take the clothes off your giant Raggedy Ann and get her a wig-this one is off etsy.com. Adorable.

First day of Pre-k

Abi's first day of pre-k was all about her. She got to pick her breakfast and lunch, undies and outfit, hair and shoes. Probably not what I would have picked but I wanted at least one day of not arguing over everything. She decided where and with who she wanted pictures. I would have chose a prettier part of the yard but oh well :) 

 

I was a working mom in class the first day and Abi did good she wasn't too clingy. She played with the other kids and went with the flow. She didn't want to do some of things the teacher asked like she refused to hold the letter of the week up in front of the class. She also refused to partake in show and tell or talk to the teacher. Baby steps, it was the first day-we'll see how Wednesday goes for first drop off of the year.

First Coug game

On our way to Pullman we stopped by the lake to check on things and do a little work.

 

This is our grape plant that I discovered a few weeks ago on our property. It actually made a lot grapes, last time we ate them. Abi was disappointed that the grapes were all gone. 

 

Abi and gnome sacked out on the way to Pullman.

 

Abi's game face

Ben's game face

 

Blowing kisses

New luxury boxes

 

We had lots of fun at the game although the kids got a little hot at the end. It was 90 in Pullman and beautiful. We were super bummed that we couldn't take the trailer. Tailgating out the back of the van just isn't the same. They changed all the RV parking to pre-pay this year and they sold out before we could buy a pass. Though, it was great to stay with my friend Lindsay and spend time with her sweet baby. It was a little tough on the kids because the weekend was a little crazy but they were awesome on the way home, slept the whole way without a peep. More Pullman and gnome adventures to come.....