Wherever You Are, My Love Will Find You

There's always going to be something unexpected that reminds me of my mom. Today I was organizing Ben's closet and came across a book my mom gave him Wherever You Are, My Love Will Find You by Nancy Tillman. If I remember correctly my mom gave both kids that book the Christmas before last. It is a beautiful book that was too special to have in the kids reach and Ben would probably rip the pages out so I had it stored away up high. I stopped what I was doing to sit and read it, and cry. I have read it before but somehow it had new meaning. It is about how a mothers love is unstoppable and there is nowhere it can't reach. Both comforting and painful at the same time.

I've been thinking about death a lot lately. Where is my mom now?-besides in the little tiny urn I have stuffed in my pillow case so I can hold it with one hand while I fall asleep. Is she in heaven? Is she somewhere in between? Or is she just gone? Of course I'd like to believe she is in heaven but how do we know if it really exists? I'm too much of a scientist to be able to trust faith alone. It's a hard pill to swallow to think she's gone and that's that, there's nothing else, gone..... At times like this I wish I had more faith. Not that I don't believe in god because I do believe in the possibility and will pray and live my life right but I just don't know for sure.

Life seems cruel. I feel bad for bringing my children into a world that can hurt so bad. Someday they will lose me and I know what they will go through-awful. Someday I'll lose Brad or he'll lose me, it's impossible to fathom but it is inevitable. All I can do is take good care of myself and pray that I will live long enough to dance at my Grandchild's wedding, which is what my mom wanted.  I tell myself that I have to feel pain and sorrow to really appreciate happiness so I will always try to appreciate the good and the good should be even better. One thing I learned from my mom is live each day to it's fullest, be truly happy, and treat everyone with kindness. I will for her.