New bed, Zoo, big girl bike

Abi's new bunk bed

First zoo visit this year. The sun came out for a minute and we took advantage. We pretty much had the place to ourselves and Ben actually got to enjoy the zoo without being tucked in the stroller the whole time.

Ben loved the Meerkats, he didn't want to leave and kept saying "kaak, kaak".

Abi just wanted to see the giraffes.

This picture cracks me up because Abi was upset that the bottoms of her shoes were dirty and started having a fit until I gave her a wipe to clean the bottom of her shoes, meanwhile it was all I could do to keep Ben from running and jumping in the mud puddles.

Ben bum in a box

Ben and Maggie

She's got it down, all but the breaking :/

A day in the life of Abigail

Pajama day at Preschool

Tea party with dolly

Taking Maggie for a walk (in the rain)

First ride on her big girl bike with training wheels (pics to follow)

Picture of happiness

A poem I love that I gave my mom in a frame for Mothers Day years ago.

You can see it in their eyes,
in tender hugs and long good-byes,
a love that only moms and daughters know.

You can see it in their smiles,
through passing years and changing styles,
a friendship that continually seems to grow.

You can see it in their lives,
the joy each one of them derives,
in just knowing that the other one is there...

To care and to understand,
lend an ear or hold a hand,
and to celebrate the memories they share.

Stuff is just stuff

Stuff is just stuff, right? That's what I tried to tell myself all weekend as my sister and I sorted through my mom's things. But even throwing away her toothbrush was hard. When all her things are gone does that mean all proof that she was here is gone? Does it make her more gone? The truth is it doesn't change anything but the weight of it feels enormous like I miss her a million times more. We found cards she picked out for birthdays and holidays that she wasn't able to give, tear. Her wedding dress, tear. I tried on my Grandma's old wool coat and found her cross and a prayer in the pocket, tear. And then there were things that were just too special to get rid of, tear, tear. Despite the ups and downs we were successful and even had some laughs when we found a few things straight from the 80's. It was nice to be able to have family and friends come over so they could pick something out of hers to remember her by which felt good.

There were times when my mother would drive me crazy but I would do anything to be able to have her here to drive me crazy. If I could do it all over would I change anything? Yes, but I know she knows how much I love her and I know she loves me so it will be OK. A friend told me if all you can do right now is breathe that is OK, so that's what I'll do, keep breathing.

The good and the sad

: ) Ben's sweet little voice saying "bye, bye" and waving, telling Maggie to "stay" and holding his little hand out in a stop signal, pointing at my eyes and saying "eyzzzzzzz", my favorite is when he sees a baby and says "baaabaay".

: ) Ben lifting and carrying around big rocks in the yard, baby dead-lift competition beware!

: ) Abi being sweet and making friends at preschool.

: ) Yard work finally getting done, back room finally getting the drywall finished.

: ) Finally watching the movie Bridesmaids-very silly!

: ) Happy memories: my Mom and Dad both walking me down the aisle at my wedding, my Mom being there for the birth of both my babies.

: ( I miss talking to my Mom on the phone everyday or every other day. My phone seems unusually quiet and sad. I didn't just lose my Mom, I lost one of my best friends.

: ( Calling my Dad and even though I know to expect it being brought to tears by the voicemail message with my Mom's voice.

: ( Unexpectedly crying at work, in public.

: ( Tomorrow it will be 4 weeks and I still feel like it was yesterday.

Wherever You Are, My Love Will Find You

There's always going to be something unexpected that reminds me of my mom. Today I was organizing Ben's closet and came across a book my mom gave him Wherever You Are, My Love Will Find You by Nancy Tillman. If I remember correctly my mom gave both kids that book the Christmas before last. It is a beautiful book that was too special to have in the kids reach and Ben would probably rip the pages out so I had it stored away up high. I stopped what I was doing to sit and read it, and cry. I have read it before but somehow it had new meaning. It is about how a mothers love is unstoppable and there is nowhere it can't reach. Both comforting and painful at the same time.

I've been thinking about death a lot lately. Where is my mom now?-besides in the little tiny urn I have stuffed in my pillow case so I can hold it with one hand while I fall asleep. Is she in heaven? Is she somewhere in between? Or is she just gone? Of course I'd like to believe she is in heaven but how do we know if it really exists? I'm too much of a scientist to be able to trust faith alone. It's a hard pill to swallow to think she's gone and that's that, there's nothing else, gone..... At times like this I wish I had more faith. Not that I don't believe in god because I do believe in the possibility and will pray and live my life right but I just don't know for sure.

Life seems cruel. I feel bad for bringing my children into a world that can hurt so bad. Someday they will lose me and I know what they will go through-awful. Someday I'll lose Brad or he'll lose me, it's impossible to fathom but it is inevitable. All I can do is take good care of myself and pray that I will live long enough to dance at my Grandchild's wedding, which is what my mom wanted.  I tell myself that I have to feel pain and sorrow to really appreciate happiness so I will always try to appreciate the good and the good should be even better. One thing I learned from my mom is live each day to it's fullest, be truly happy, and treat everyone with kindness. I will for her. 

Seriously boy

I say all the time that Ben is such a boy and everyday he does something to prove his boy-ness. Today he fell into the cornor of my dresser and has a black eye, bruised cheek, and fat lip. He is obsessed with throwing handfuls of anything including pine needles, bark dust, rocks, dirt-all while I'm yelling at him to stop. The thing is he releases the throw while his hands are still behind his head so most of it goes right on his head, down his shirt and into the back of his diaper.

Saw this on another blog and it made me laugh.

Easter Weekend

I survived my first holiday without my mom but with a very heavy heart. I really needed my Dad and Sister with me and together we made it through Easter weekend and actually had some fun. We were so busy I haven't had a chance to get a proper cry in so I'm feeling a bit like I could pop at any moment. That's the hardest part about grieving with kids, you never have the opportunity to sit and cry it all out because someone always needs you for something and someone has to make dinner. I would do anything for a full day of wallowing in my own sorrow without any distractions. Poor kids, I've had very little patience with them lately and they don't understand which makes me feel worse for grouching at them. I'm an emotional wreck, which is funny only because I look fine and act fine on the outside, but am definitely not fine on the inside.

The kids were pretty darn cute on Easter and my niece Evie was a little princess as usual. I took tons of pictures.