It's so hard to put into words the sadness in my heart. It's a sadness that will never fully heal because a part of me will always be missing. I often dream about my mom and when I wake I have to remind myself she is gone. She's everywhere in our house, she's the bath toys and bath towel she gave Abi as a baby, half of the kids clothes, the kids bedding, half my closet, she gave us so much because she loved us so much. Every room in our house has something that reminds me of her.

I'm devastated that my children will not grow up having my mom in their lives. I should be thankful that we had her in our lives as long as we did, but that feels impossible. I still need her and my kids need her, there is a big hole in our lives. Having small children definitely adds to the burden of sadness, I carry my own pain and sorrow, and my children's. There is nothing that compares to the love of a mother and no one will ever love me as much as she did. A mother is a place to run, a place to be comforted, a place to vent your problems and not be judged, a back up plan for the unexpected, the only completely safe and loving place in the whole world.

I try to live my life with appreciation for everything and everyone I love everyday and never take anything for granted, but I feel like I may have failed. So many words left unsaid, and love that I'm not sure I always showed. She taught us so much and maybe her final lesson to us by leaving was to remind us to live life to it's fullest, be happy, and love because you never know what the future holds.

The Journey Of A Mother

The young mother set her foot on the path of life.
"Is this the long way?" she asked.
And the guide said "Yes, and the way is hard. And you
will be old before you reach the end of it. But the end
will be better than the beginning."

But the young mother was happy, and she would not
believe that anything could be better than these years.
So she played with her children, she fed them and bathed
them, and taught them how to tie their shoes and ride a
bike and reminded them to feed the dog, and do their
homework and brush their teeth. The sun shone on
them, and the young Mother cried,
"Nothing will ever be lovelier than this."

Then the nights came, and the storms, and the path
was sometimes dark, and the children shook with
fear and cold, and the mother drew them close and
covered them with her arms, and the children said,
"Mother, we are not afraid, for you are near,
and no harm can come."

And the morning came, and there was a hill ahead,
and the children climbed and grew weary, and the
mother was weary. But at all times she said to the children,
"A little patience and we are there." So the children climbed,
and as they climbed they learned to weather the storms.
And with this, she gave them strength to face the world.

Year after year, she showed them compassion,
understanding, hope, but most of all...unconditional love.
And when they reached the top they said,
"Mother, we would not have done it without you."

The days went on, and the weeks and the months and
the years, and the mother grew old and she became
little and bent. But her children were tall and strong,
and walked with courage. And the mother, when she
lay down at night, looked up at the stars and said,
"This is a better day than the last, for my children
have learned so much and are now passing these
traits on to their children."

And when the way became rough for her, they lifted her,
and gave her their strength, just as she had given them hers.

One day they came to a hill, and beyond the hill, they could
see a shining road and golden gates flung wide.
And mother said: "I have reached the end of my journey.
And now I know the end is better than the beginning,
for my children can walk with dignity and pride,
with their heads held high, and so can their children
after them. And the children said, "You will always walk
with us, Mother, even when you have gone through the gates."

And they stood and watched her as she went on alone,
and the gates closed after her. And they said:
"We cannot see her, but she is with us still.
A Mother like ours is more than a memory.
She is a living presence."

Your Mother is always with you.
She's the whisper of the leaves as you walk down the
street, she's the smell of certain foods you remember,
flowers you pick and perfume that she wore, she's
the cool hand on your brow when you're not feeling well,
she's your breath in the air on a cold winter's day.
She is the sound of the rain that lulls you to sleep,
the colors of a rainbow, she is Christmas morning.

Your Mother lives inside your laughter.
And she's crystallized in every tear drop. A mother shows
every emotion .happiness, sadness, fear, jealousy,
love, hate, anger, helplessness, excitement, joy, sorrow...
and all the while, hoping and praying you will only
know the good feelings in life.

She's the place you came from, your first home,
and she's the map you follow with every step you take.
She's your first love, your first friend, even your first enemy,
but nothing on earth can separate you.
Not time, not space...not even death!

She is gone

My mom last summer, on a trampoline. This is how I will remember her.



I still can't believe my mom is gone. I dream about her at night, I think about her all day, and  I am all consumed by sadness. I don't want the pain to end because then I feel like I've accepted that she's gone and I don't want to accept that she's gone, it will never be OK with me that she is gone. I am 31 and I still need my mom. She was supposed to dance at my children's weddings and be there for them when they couldn't see eye to eye with Brad and I. My grandma was always there for me and loved me even during my rebellious teenage years and I wanted her to be that for them. I'm not even sure how much Abi will remember about her. "Why is grandma JoAnn in heaven?" Abi asks, and I have no good answer.

In hindsight I'm not sure my mom would have done the major heart surgery back in October that caused the massive brain stem stroke. But she wanted to live, that's why she did it. She went from living life to being disabled, not being able to walk or see or speak very well. She couldn't do anything without help, but she never complained. The odds of having a stroke during surgery are 4% and she fell into the poor 4%, it was very unfortunate. In December we had so much hope that she was recovering from the stroke and would be walking in no time. Then January came and there wasn't a lot of progress, February she started going down hill, and in early March she got Endocarditis which is a bacterial infection of her new heart value. By the time they figured out what was wrong she had bacteria in her spinal fluid and blood and was extremely sick. The doctors told us there was only a 50% chance that the antibiotics would clear the infection so another major heart surgery to replace her heart value was a possibility. During her week and a half hospital stay she didn't seem to be improving instead she seemed to be declining and we were getting worried that more was going on than we knew about (maybe another stroke or abscess somewhere else in the body). Last Monday my sister was with her in the hospital helping her eat breakfast when she became unresponsive, vomited a little, choked on it, and had a seizure. They called a code and rushed her out to intubate her and take her to the ICU. At first we thought maybe this is a good thing because they'll now run more tests to see why she is not improving. They did an MRI of her brain that evening and I got a phone call from my sister at 1:30am, I was just getting home form work and had just walked in the door. The neurosurgeon told my sister that my mom had a massive brain bleed and there was so much blood in her brain and her brain was so damaged that she was brain dead. He thought the best thing to do would be to gather the family and let her go by taking her off life support. We knew that these were her wishes as well. This is the moment I knew my life would be never be the same.

I drove down the next morning and we held her and kissed her and told her we loved her. When she passed I was holding her little face in my hands my forehead touching hers while my sister and dad each held a hand. I didn't feel her go but when I opened my eyes and looked at her I could tell she was gone. I can't remember the last time I sobbed, or cried so hard I never thought I would stop.

I am left wondering why. My sister said the nurse gave my mom a large injection of heparin before everything happened that morning so we know they made her blood too thin which caused the brain bleed. The nurse even told my sister she didn't feel quite right about giving my mom the heparin, not that we have any interest in pursing this possible medical error. We'll never know if there was more going on that was causing her to decline. Did the fatal dose of heparin help end her suffering or did it end her life way too soon? With how much she was falling at home it was probably only a matter of time until this happened at home, but we'll never know. I even wonder if she already had some bleeding in her brain that we didn't know about (from falling at home) but was small enough to have minimal damage until the injection of heparin blew open the clot. We will never know and I'll always wonder.

I am full to the brim with regret. I should have taken more time off work to spend with her, helping take care of her. I should have told her how much I love her and what a good mom she was. I would do anything for more time with her. I can't remember if I told her I loved her the last time I talked to her, but Brad was there and he said I did.

No one loves you like your mom and now mine is gone.

Mom, you were always there when we needed you. You were kind, creative, silly, strong, generous, and loving. You had a fabulous sense of style and lived every day to its fullest. You were tough with us when you needed to be but always a soft place to land. You raised us to be the successful, fulfilled, quirky women we are today and we owe it all to you. You loved our babies like your own. I don’t think we’ve ever seen you happier then when you were with your grandbabes. Nothing can replace your smile or laughter, and we now know that no one loves you like your mama. We will think of you often and keep your love with us always. We miss you and love you.

With love, your girls

JoAnn, you have always been the one and only love of my life.

Our journey together of more than 40 years has been smooth, rocky, curvy and filled with adventure. Through good times and bad our devotion to each other and our children has always prevailed and made us stronger as parents and life partners.

Our children gained so much personality and knowledge from your nurturing and teaching as a role model, the girls and I are just devastated you won’t have the chance to do the same for their children. Farewell for now my love, you missed your Mother and Sister so much I have joy in my heart that you are now back together.

With all my Love, Marc

She is gone

You can shed tears that she is gone
Or you can smile because she has lived

You can close your eyes and pray that she will come back
Or you can open your eyes and see all that she has left

Your heart can be empty because you can't see her
Or you can be full of the love that you shared

You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday
Or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday

You can remember her and only that she is gone
Or you can cherish her memory and let it live on

You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back
Or you can do what she would want: smile, open your eyes, love and go on.

David Harkins

My mama

My mama passed away yesterday and left a huge hole in my heart. There is no love that compares to that of a mother and child, I know from experience. I've never been through anything so hard in my whole life. I miss her so much it takes my breath away and hurts more than I ever thought possible. Mom, I love you so much and I know your watching over me now. You'll be with me forever in my heart and I will always be you're little girl. 

JoAnn (Sanders) Anderson, 59 of Washougal, WA passed away (too young) at Peacehealth Medical Center in Vancouver, WA on March 20, 2012 while surrounded by family. She was born on December 16, 1952 in Vancouver, WA to Buford and Constance Sanders. JoAnn graduated from Camas High School in 1971 and earned an Associate's degree with honors from Clark College in 1989.

She worked multiple professions throughout her life including aerobics instructor, manager/program director at World Gym, real estate agent at Windermere/Crest Realty in Camas, WA, and most importantly a stay-at-home mom for her two daughters.

JoAnn loved tending to her garden and flowers, reading, being a mom and grandma, exercising, shopping, her kitties, family get-togethers, being in the sun and having a good time.

JoAnn is survived by her husband of 40 years, Marc Anderson; children, Sarah Phelan of Portland, OR and Amy Samuelson of Everett, WA; 2 son-in-laws, Nathan Phelan and Brad Samuelson; 3 grandchildren, Abigail, Benjamin and Evie; brother Buford Sanders Jr; numerous other family and many friends.

She was preceded in death by her mother Constance, father Buford Sr, sister Kathy and brother Bob.

A celebration of JoAnn's life will be held on Saturday March 24, 2012, 11 a.m. at St. Matthews Lutheran Church,

716 17th Street

, Washougal.

And just at the moment when someone at my side says, "She is gone", There are others who are watching her coming, and other voices take up a glad shout:

"There she comes." A horizon is just the limit of our sight. Bishop Brent

The good stuff

Even in bad times there are always good, todays good stuff-

Watching Ben drive a car around on the kitchen floor.

Abi rocking her baby to sleep.

Abi and daddy making a leprechaun trap.

Nudie bath tub pictures (my favorite). Why are babies so darn cute nudie in the tub?

Friends near and far being SO kind and caring.

Best of all, I'm going to see my mom today!!!!

I wish had something, anything else to write about but since my mom is back in the hospital I just feel like I'm wearing a heavy coat of sadness. Over the weekend she had a high fever off and on and was losing coordination and motor function and just rapidly declining so my dad took her the emergency room. At first they diagnosed her with possible bacterial spinal meningitis (which is serious sh_t). The next day they thought maybe she had viral meningitis, but finally they determined she was septic with Staph aureus in her blood and probably has endocarditis (bacteria growing on her heart value). I HATE being so helpless, I can't go visit her, or do anything to help. It's just the worst feeling in the world wanting to there for my mom and not being able to do anything. It breaks my heart a little everyday. When you have small children and their needs outweigh everything else, what do you do? It just sucks. My mom can't even feed herself so when my dad isn't at the hospital, which he can't be every minute of the day, are the nurses really feeding her? She's already ridiculously skinny. Are they making sure she is comfortable and moving her like they should? Can my dad even hear everything the doctor is saying to him? I didn't realize how upset I was about the whole thing until someone at work asked me about my mom and I burst into tears. Today Abi said "Mommy don't cry you can hold my baby and kitty to make you feel better". I hope things get better soon.  

Deception Pass Camping

We love this state park, it is so beautiful. I actually might like it more in the winter in the rain and fog, and there were only a handful of other crazy campers. 

Like all our camping trips with small children there were moments when I wanted to cry and pull my hair out (like when our overly tired child throws a big tantrum and nothing can stop it-except maybe daddy) AND moments of pure bliss. Abi slept in the top bunk all weekend which was a first and Ben slept in the bottom bunk which is a first for him too. It just wouldn't be camping unless someone gets injuried (Abi fell down the ladder leaving a bruise down her back) and unless there are tantrums and screaming (yes-check). The scenery, fresh air, getting out of the house, hiking,

 and sitting around the campfire with good friends made up for it plus some. I think we lucked out with the weather too because it only rained a very small amount on Saturday AM. In total our group consisted of 6 adults, 4 children, and 3 dogs, therefore children and dogs outnumbered adults-ha.

Ben did a face plant in the mud. I'm such a good mom that I grabbed my camera before I grabbed a towel to clean him up :)

I want to walk, not ride.....

and I'm over it.

I assure you the bulge in my midsection is due to two pairs of gloves for the kids, my cell phone, and camera case. Cute pic none the less (although Abi refused to be in it).

Abi is in serious need of a big girl bike (has to be pink like Hailey's), but she peddled as fast as she could to keep up.

Can someone please wipe that nose! He is our little booger bear.

Looking for shells

Pink sand

 

Preschool picture and bunk bed

Abi refused to get her picture taken last week at Preschool, the teacher even called me at home to ask if it was OK that she didn't want to get a picture taken. I said that was fine so I was super surprised when I got this super cute proof. The photographer fooled her during the group picture and focused in on her to get a picture. Yay, I will be ordering pictures for sure! Her first school picture (tear), I'm glad they got one and that it's so cute.

Abi's bunk bed is almost complete. I spent the past two days painting it and it just needs one more paint touch up before we can move it inside. Can you believe we paid $100 for this on Craigs, I could probably sell it for at least $300. It doesn't have a ladder, which is good because I don't want Ben trying to get up top but it is an easy climb for Abi.

Night skiing

We had an absolute blast on Saturday night skiing with Greg and Emily. The conditions were interesting a little rain, a little snow, a little wind, some ice pellets but it didn't matter because there was no one there and we got in a lot of good skiing. When Emily and I got tired we headed into the bar for a beer while the boys finished up. Very interesting people watching at the Foggy Goggle.

Ben bug hanging out on sisters bed, good thing she didn't catch him.

He got another black eye this weekend and he also bit Abi so hard it made her bleed-ouch!

Something new

I was hating a piece of art in our dining/kitchen/family room so out of no where I decide to paint over the canvas and make my own art. I forgot that I was an art major at one time, back when I was a dreamer and then reality hit. This is my pinterest inspiration.

 This is my version. It looks a little homemade but I like it and it goes with our decor. I just used paint and brushes we had around the house so the total cost $0.



On a completely unrelated note my husband is at the grocery store right now, did I mention how much I love him! I can't wait to see what he comes home with ;) He has a detailed list but somehow he always picks different items then me and I actually really like it. We get to try something new and he does always pick out the best bread.

Pillow heaven, ahhhh

http://www.etsy.com/shop/ElemenOPillows