Blogger is fixed!!!

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Blogger life problems

Since I got my new android phone in December I can no longer blog from my phone. It's breaking my heart just so you know. I have a million pictures of the kids on my phone skiing, sledding, vacationing, and the blogger app is apparently not compatible with my new phone. Information that would of been useful, just kill me now. I need to get my IT guy, aka Brad, on it but life has been happening at warp speed. I truly hope to be back soon to my regular scheduled program someday. Until then hold tight.

Mom

Why did no one ever talk about what happened to you? Why did everyone pretend it was ok? It was always clear to me (from a very young age) you were broken but I didn't know why. I realize now you went through more than any kid should when you were young. It seems so obvious now, how did I not see it before when you were still here and maybe together we could of fixed you. Brought the darkness into the light. Maybe not, but at least I would of truly understood you and had love and compassion. I wish I could give you a hug. I feel your unrest, your tortured soul searching for peace. I don't know if telling your story will bring you peace but I hope so. There have been times after you passed and recently when odd things happen at our house and we can't help but wonder if it's you.

What your Dad did to you no one will ever know for sure. But I've heard stories of what he did to others. I didn't know him, but I have zero fond memorys of him. I feel like i always knew I didnt like him but didnt know why. 

I wish you got to live in this time where victims don't have to be victims. Where you don't have to stay quiet so everyone is comfortable. I have always loved you so and always wondered why you were the way you were. 

Seven years later and I'm still trying to put the pieces together. Somehow I hope if I can put you back together then maybe i can be put back together too. 

A Dream For You

If I could dream
The dream I wanted too,
I would close my eyes,
And dream a dream for you.

I would give you all the world,
That you are deserving of,
And to you I would give
My everlasting love.

I would see to it,
That you were never sad.
And nothing in your life
Would ever happen bad.

I would wish for you,
All things would go your way,
And you would always be happy,
Each and every day.

In my dream
You would stay
Just as beautiful
As you are today.

Life for you would be as perfect
As the blueness of the sky,
And no one would ever hurt you,
Or ever make you cry.

I know it's just a dream,
But if dreams could come true,
I would close my eyes,
And dream a dream for you.

Maggie Mae Samuelson

Before today I didn't know a dog could break my heart. I grew up on cats, farm cats that came and went. And cows. They came and went too, to the butcher. Maggie is the first and only dog I ever lived with, loved, and cared for. She's the only dog I've ever really known.

She was really old, and we all knew her time was running out. I thought I would be happy about her long life and health, so it wouldn't be so sad when the time came. But nothing really prepares you for the absence and the silence, or the feeling of being alone in the house and truly being alone. I miss her nails on the hardwood, the jingle of her collar, her annoying-ness, her pushy-ness, her need to be in the way of everything all the time. I miss her like I've never missed a pet before. I did not know that loving a damn dog could be so great and so hard.

After fourteen years of tip-toeing to bed to not step on her. And fourteen years of bad breath, following me into the bathroom, and the best dog cuddles it just feels so wrong. I wish more than anything to have her back for one more day. She was an everyday constant, a sweet head in my lap, a shadow that followed me everywhere. And it seems so empty now. In our house and in my heart. 

Looking back, I wish gave her more love. I feel bad for the days she was just another check on my to-do list. For the days, especially at the end, where I was annoyed with her. But I'm sure of the fact that she felt loved and that she did belong. I think she knew something was up when we loved on her hard and cried tears on her fur.

We would always joke that you were a good dog, but you could be a better dog. But for being the world's most ok-est dog, you sure left a mark on my heart. Love you lots old girl.  

Winter Family photos

I may have bribed them into taking pictures, but it's only because I love them. And they look so cute in pictures.!

Us being our truest selves.

Growing up so fast, middle school next year for Abi.

Sweet old Maggie

Lagreid Christmas jammies

Some photos I took of our friends adorable kiddos before Christmas. They are so stinking cute!