My mama

This time of year is not my favorite. I just want to feel the warmth from the sun and know summer is on the way. But it's still a little too cold. The sun is still too far away. It reminds me of my mom. Wishing she was close but she's just too far away.
It's hard to believe six years have gone by. The first year was the hardest. Now just a distant memory, like her. A year of living in a black cloud or more like a fog. Little by little it melted away. Looking back I think I can call it depression but at the time it just felt like everything was so hard I didn't know if I'd make it through the day. Day after day after day of just surviving, no relief in sight, no end in sight. Two toddlers needing so much, and having nothing to give. I didn't ask for help because I didn't know what the problem was, I simply couldn't function. The simplest tasks were so hard. I didn't feel sad, mostly numb and exhausted. Little by little the fog settled. One day I looked around and things were normal again, good even, I almost couldn't believe it.

I survived my own pain, my own struggle. The struggle is only good when it's over. When you've made it through. Then you know it was important and it changed you. The love that connects us will always remain. My heart is heavy, but is so full it could almost burst.
She was here and that is everything to me.

I watched the funeral slide show today for the first time since the funeral, it made me happy and sad. Here are a few of my favorites.