We had pizza casserole for dinner last night, I highly recommend, the kids loved it and I liked it too. I don't have a recipe because I just threw it together but I'm sure it would be easy to find one.

 

 

Yesterday I woke up and decided it was time for some new art.

This is a picture that I painted last year.

I wanted something lighter and blue. I had blue paint from Ben's room so I mixed it with white to get this light blue color. I already had white and grey paint and I just used a sponge paint brush.



I have to say I kind of like it.

 

This picture was my inspiration, but I think I like my art better. I don't consider myself an artist but I am a decent copycat. To be a good artist you have to have skill and know how to see. I just know how to see. Just like you have to have skill and be able to feel to be a good writer, I have no skill just feelings.

Yesterday I went to Williams-Sonoma to get the best waffle mix I've ever had for Easter morning, and to get there I had to walk through Pottery Barn. They had these pretty metallic shells but they were expensive. So I thought I could make shells like that. I have shells at home and silver metallic spray paint. These are the ones I made.

 



Also, I got a new mirror for our bedroom to replace an old flower picture.

I guess it was a decorating kind of day. Since the art I painted was free, and the shells were free, I didn't feel so bad about spending money on a mirror that was less than $30.

 

Before-

 

After-

 

The best thing about the mirror is it's depth and texture.

 

Family weekend

My pretty flowers

 

 Early Easter egg hunt at Papa's

 

These three had a blast together. I love it when the cousins get to spend time together.

 

  Trying to blow his pinwheel. This face cracks me up.

 

It is near impossible to get a good picture of Evie which is sad because she is SO darn adorable.

Abi is the only one that cooperates for pictures.

 

Sacked out. I think they love each other in their sleep too.

 

 Checking out Papa's garden

 

After an egg hunt, egg coloring/decorating, and family dinner we ended our time at Papa's with some egg rolling fun.

 

Ben was the champ!

 

Early Easter at Nana's too.

 

 

 

Happy birthday Grammy!

My mom (one year later)

 The Daphne I planted for my mom last year

 

Decided to bloom today!

 

 

It's been a whole year since I said goodbye to my mom. Today I didn't get a phone call in the middle of the night with the most awful news, I didn't drive 200 miles with tears running down my face, I didn't watch my mom take her last breath, but I feel the same. I'm not weeping uncontrollably on the outside but the pain is still with me. Time doesn't really matter she will always be gone, but as I suspected the pain gets easier to live with and has become part of me. It will never be OK that she is not here to watch my babies grow up and that Ben can't remember her or recognize her in a picture. It breaks my heart everyday that my kids will miss out on all the love she had to give. It breaks my heart that she can't see what they look like today. It breaks my heart that I will likely live more years without a mom than with. It breaks my heart that I am finally to the stage in my life after having kids where I can fully appreciate everything my mom has done and that we can relate on a whole new level, and I need her to help me parent. It breaks my heart that I will never have her physical presence in my house and in my life. It breaks my heart that my memories will fade. Life is so quiet without her, my phone is quiet, my heart is quiet, it is eerie. One night not so long ago I had a dream about my mom and I woke up sad missing her and starting crying. Abi came in found me and ran out and yelled, "Ben, Ben you must come quick to look at mommy, she's crying!". We don't have much privacy in our house, not even in the bathroom, so my children see my pain and I hope they never have to experience it. The week after the funeral when we finally got back home was the hardest week of my life. It was like something had taken over my body and I couldn't function. It took every ounce of energy I had to feed the kids and that was all I could do. I know somehow this horrible loss will make me better, stronger, and maybe more compassionate but I still don't see it.

Glennon from Momastery a few days ago-
I woke up this morning, ready to compassion. Compassion originally meant “to suffer with,” so I consider compassioning to be a verb. It’s something to write on the to-do-list, something that takes time and energy. Instead of making room for it, we try to avoid compassion, or suffering with, which is understandable. Suffering with others hurts. It scares us. It breaks our hearts. But the deeper I get into this loving myself and others gig the more certain I am that a broken heart is something for which to strive. A broken heart is a badge of honor that says: I loved well. A broken heart is not always the end, but it IS often the beginning. Nobody ever changed the world with a shiny, mint- condition heart.

I like the part that a broken heart means you loved well and can be the beginning of something not the end. Something sad and awful can become something beautiful, I'm just not there yet and honestly this day is much harder than I anticipated. My eyes are already swollen. I do have some direction though, I know I want to find things I love to do and places I love and people I love and embrace them as much as possible. I want to be happy, something my mom would always strive for and not sure she could ever fully achieve. I can do that for you. I love you so much mom and miss you so much it kills me. I truly hope you are stirring things up in heaven and always being you.

"We cannot see her, but she is with us still.
A Mother like ours is more than a memory.
She is a living presence."

 

 

Happy 2nd Birthday Evie!

Saturday night we celebrated my niece Evie's 2nd b-day. She was so cute and sweet and it was a great party. When we got there Evie ran up to Abi and gave her a big hug and said "Abi, Abi". It's so cute how much the cousins like each other. These were our gifts to Evie.

She was pretty spoiled, look at all those presents.

Ben (tired from nap), Papa, Abi

Papa and Evie

Evie loves Dora!

Present time-

Trying out her babies crib

Happy birthday and cake time

She hid behind her plate while we sang

Evie blowing out her candles was the cutest thing I've ever seen. She stuck her bottom lip out and blew up air straight up to her bangs, but she finally got them out.

Evie's birthday is super special this year since last year our mom died the day after her first birthday. She never had a proper first birthday party and all the happiness was over-shadowed with sadness. March 19th, the day this princess was born is the day I almost lost my sister giving birth to her and the day my mom had a massive brain bleed a year later. But this beautiful, happy, healthy, sweet, perfect little girl makes up for all that and then some. She is the light of all our lives. Love you Evie, happy birthday!!!!!!!!!!!!