Catch up

So much going on lately I have had zero time to blog. We went to the pumpkin patch last week with Abi's class, then they had pumpkin carving night with Dad. We went down to visit Papa for the weekend and see Aunt Sarah and Cousin Evie, then we got home Sunday in time to drop the kids off a Halloween party so Brad and I could attend a funeral.

I wish I got a picture of the kids before the Halloween party, Abi was a kitty and Ben was a tiger. They were pretty darn cute. My friend told me at the party that the two of them walked around holding hands and even when Abi was playing with her friends she waited for Ben and let him play too. They have such a sweet sister-brother friendship. Love.

Ben sleeping in his toddler bed

 

Reason why our next house will not be in the middle of a forest.

 

Kids picked out cute pumpkins at Target (dollar bins). 

The orange one is Abi's and the black one is Ben's.

Pumpkin farm with Abi's preschool, hay maze

Baby bunnies, and they got to pet a kitten

 

Abi did not want her picture taken.

 

Tractor ride with Lillia and Tyler

 

Abi and Lillia are too cute, holding hands everywhere.

 

Nudie cousin pictures, nothing better.

 

Abi loves cousin Evie, she would help take care of her then say "I'm the best cousin ever!"

Brad's beard, it's getting good.

I'm angry and feel better already

I think I have finally come to terms with a lot of things rattling around in my head. Maybe that's why I've been feeling so good lately. While visiting my Dad in rehab we attended an Al-Anon meeting and it was kind of enlightening. Although I thought it was silly at the time, it is all about you and not the individual with the substance abuse problem. It teaches you to do what you have to do for you. Make yourself happy, don't let your happiness be dependent on the abuser and their problem. It got me thinking, I don't need to carry around everyone else's problems, I have enough on my plate. I like to think I can fix everything, but I can't. I need to let my Dad take care of his problems and I need to let my Mom rest with her problems. It is very free-ing, I feel lighter already. I have also come to terms with why I am so angry with my Mom. I am angry that her actions caused me to miss out on the short time she had left on this earth. She robbed me and her grand babes of the last healthy months she had before the surgery. Nothing can change that and I can be mad. Sometimes very angry, sometimes sad, sometimes tears, sometimes everything. My kids should have more memories of Grandma before she was sick, I should of had one last summer with my mom. I can't be sad anymore over things out of my control. I hope eventually my gut and heart will follow. I miss my mom so much and love her. It feels ridiculously complicated to be so angry and have so much love. I'm angry because there IS so much love. For those who have angel mothers that were saints on earth, grieving must be so uncomplicated. Not easy, definitely not easy, very very very hard, but uncomplicated. I want everything in my life to be less complicated. I guess that starts with me letting go of the bad and embracing ALL the good (I have a TON of good). I feel better already.  

Cute article, I miss my babies lasts already.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/devon-corneal/parenting-lasts_b_1874086.html

Everyday Abi and Ben change. I want it to stop, they are growing up and I can't stop them. They are perfect and I don't want them to grow and change. Abi laughs a little louder, smiles more, and gains confidence everyday. She is happy and smart, she loves school, the stubbornness is fading slightly and she is coming into her own. She's a flower and now that she's found her place and she can blossom. I couldn't be happier or prouder, she is a joy, and I love her to pieces. I am so thankful for her preschool, the friends she is making (and me too).

Ben is my baby. He still likes to be rocked to sleep and cuddle even if he has a big boy bed. He just might be the sweetest, happiest person on earth. If only he'd listen, then he'd be perfect, but I prefer him just the way he is. He's putting two words together now, his favorite "red light". He is still in the 95% for weight at his doctor apt last week and 75% for height. He had to get a shot and he didn't even cry. What a mellow guy.

Me-as of this past week I finally feel good again. Good as in the dark clouds are finally fading. It amazes me the toll emotional stress puts on your body. I haven't had energy in months and although I feel like I'm coming down with yet another cold, and slightly sleep deprived, I feel somehow feel renergized. The other day I was getting Ben out of his car seat to take him into the grocery store and I looked deep into his eyes, they are the most beautiful shade of gold and green in some lights, and my heart swelled with love. Some moments are just so perfect, I'm glad I can appreciate them. My heart has been so preoccupied with hurting that it feels so good to let all the love back in. Everyday I just feel so much love for Abi and Ben it fills me up and makes me complete. Of course the husband too, he does so much for me, and makes me laugh. The other day he suggested we build a pyramid on our lake property, I laughed so hard I almost peed myself.

“The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong in the broken places.”

–Ernest Hemingway

“When you can not lead them, let your children lead you.”
 

"Everything will be okay, in the end

If it’s not okay, it’s not the end."

Silly stuff

Abi asking me why Ben has hair since Daddy doesn't.

Feeding the chickens left over chicken.

Got all done bathing the kids and getting them dressed, only to go back and find a poo ball sitting in the tub.

Ben talking like a cave man "um-hmm", "unh-unh", or "ugh, ugh". Who knew one could communicate so much by saying so little.

Just getting my hair shampooed in the shower when Abi comes in and announces to me that Ben is stuck up on her bunk bed.

Abi putting as many pairs of underwear on at once as possible, on her head too (good thing they're new).

Ben letting me know he is done with his cereal by dumping it out on the floor.

Hallelujah!!!!!!!!!!! Who knew one could be sooo excited about poo. Finally no more Ben diarrhea!!!!!!! No peanuts, citrus, or (dairy) milk, make for a much improved digestive track in our little guy. I forgot what is like to only change one poopy diaper a day, one word- heaven.

 

Cute bath pics-my favorite

Pumpkin farm

We went to the pumpkin farm today to get some pumpkins and do the corn maze. Well, the corn maze didn't happen, although the kids were excited about walking through all the mud puddles probably in it, because it was freezing. Windy, cold, burr, not happening. The kids and I are going to another pumpkin farm with the preschool on Weds so whatevs we didn't need to freeze. Hope it doesn't Rain Weds.....

 

Abi gabby

 

Ben boogs

 

Abi helped Daddy pick his pumpkin.

 

He was a very dirty boy by the time we left.

 

We don't want to go we want to play in the mud puddles.

 

My warty pumpkin, Abi wanted me to get it. I'm excited to carve it :)

So much to do, too little sleep

Pretty much the story of our lives. Ben moved into a toddler bed over the weekend which certainly doesn't help matters. He looks darn cute in his new bed, if only he would stay in it. At 6am this morning he fell out of bed and did not want to go back to sleep so instead he woke everyone up, then broke our closet door and spilled milk on the couch-little stinker! Looking forward to nap time today. I missed these kiddos over the weekend so they get a pass today and lots of hugs and kisses, and I'm not even going to think about the disaster of a yard we have today.

Glennon from Momastery has a book, I'm kind of excited. Here is a peek-
http://pages.simonandschuster.com/carryonwarrior/excerpt

Interesting Weekend

My sister and I drove down to Eugene, OR to spend family weekend with my Dad in rehab for alcohol. By the way Eugene is not that cool, sorry Ducks. We had classes scheduled all day Saturday and Sunday. We walked into the first class Saturday morning and the room was full of tissue boxes, we were like great what did we get ourselves into. Some of the classes were just with other family members of patients, some were with our Dad and other patients and family. There were very normal people there and people you could tell wasn't there first time at a place like this. It was interesting to hear all the different stories and sad to see the way addiction destroys peoples lives. It really is a disease of the mind, not just lack of will power. There was one person, a really sweet, cute wife/mom that couldn't have been much older than me that was there for her husband. I couldn't help but feel bad for her, to be raising three small children at home by herself, alone. Very sad. He admittedly told her-I make you do a job that would be difficult for two people by yourself. There were a lot of tears, not caused by us, but it was impossible not to tear up hearing some of the stories. There was a mom that was an alcoholic and her teenage-ish daughters and husband were there for family weekend. When they read the letters they wrote to each other in front of the group there wasn't a dry eye in the circle. It's nice that our story is rather uncomplicated, emotional because we still are grieving my mom. But honestly my dad's addiction hasn't really had a negative impact on my life, besides worrying about him. There is no deep seated hurt or anger. We may have been the least complicated situation in the group. Now the feelings I have surrounding my mom, completely different and very complicated, so it's good the weekend wasn't about her. We are so proud of my Dad for putting himself in rehab and happy he is getting the help he needs. He still has a week and half to go before he goes home and we are VERY hopeful that he will be successful.
   

Ben sleeping with his firetruck

Children's Museum

Abi the vet taking very good care of the animals. These are phone pictures so please excuse the blurriness.

 

Ben driving the bus

Fire truck always a favorite

Weekend

We went to the lake to get away, and winterize the boat, sprinklers, and trailer. The weather was great mid 70's and sunny. We put up our flag pole (with coug flag), moved rocks, trimmed trees and bushes, mowed the grass, sprayed weed killer, and had a guy come give us a quote for taking down the shed. So a very relaxing weekend.

 

Sunday we went to Chelan to our favorite winery Vin Du Lac. Abi's face cracks me up.

 

Lake Chelan is in the background but it was still kind of smoky and everything was hazy.

 

Lake Chelan

 

New flag pole, can't see the coug flag very well.

 

I didn't realize it was going to be so nice and the water would be so warm, I should have brought the kids swim suits. It was kind of smoky/hazy at our place too. It's hard to tell in this picture but straight across the river it is all black and burnt. The fire came all the way down to the river.

 

Dance show

 

I told this little booger 20 times to stay out of the water and the first thing he does is run straight into the water shoes and all. He was head to toe wet by the time he was done.

 

Today

Today is the day........ and I have to say I am really proud. My dad is officially detoxing in rehab for alcohol. The detox part will take a few days and I'm sure won't be pretty, and then inpatient rehab for 21 days. Then, outpatient treatment forever. It is a relief. I worry I about him even though he doesn't want me too. I can't take the thought of losing another parent. I'm proud of him for being able to admit he has a problem and taking steps to fix the problem completely on his own, with our support. The place he's at has a 93% success rate so we are very hopeful that this will be successful. It's hard to say how long alcohol has been a problem and it doesn't matter, but my mom getting extremely ill and then passing was just too much for him. For us all.

"If you share your pain you cut it in half, if you don't you double it." -Unknown

Maybe that's why I pour my heart out to you. Maybe that's why my dad is where he is. I'm hoping to hear from him by the weekend after the worse is over. Then, at some point I'll be able to visit him and have family therapy sessions. It is a good day. Life is hard so we must be strong and carry on, right? Or be weak and crumble, but only on occasion-and hopefully not in front of people. If you can send positive thoughts our way. I'll let you know how he's doing soon.

Happy Birthday round two

 

 Our little Ben B was very spoiled by friends and family. He had a fun little b-day party and it was great to have all the papa's, grandma, and both Aunts there to help celebrate.

 

 

 

 

Ben's sock monkey cake.

Happy Birthday round two

 

 

Evie and Papa

 

Sweet Evie loved big bear